# Things customers say while watching you work



## Best Darn Sewer

Without fail every time I am running a camera down a sewer line: "You know that reminds me of my colonoscopy!"


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## plbgbiz

"Did you here the one about the plumber that used to be a doctor?"


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## Best Darn Sewer

"Plumbers work on gas??"


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## UN1TED-WE-PLUMB

"you know many adult movies start out this way"


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## SewerRat

UN1TED-WE-PLUMB said:


> "you know many adult movies start out this way"




I'd be on my way out the door!


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## UN1TED-WE-PLUMB

SewerRat said:


> I'd be on my way out the door!




:laughing:

Depends on what she looks like :laughing:


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## PlumberJ

You made that look easy


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## PLUMB TIME

It should be an easy fix, I would have done it myself but I didn't have time.


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## 89plumbum

PLUMB TIME said:


> It should be an easy fix, I would have done it myself but I didn't have time.


While there watching you the entire time. Lol


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## plbgbiz

"My sewer never backed up before you put in the new bathtub."


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## DUNBAR PLUMBING

"You mean that's all that had to be done?" "I could of done that."


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## Best Darn Sewer

"This will be your easiest job today, its just a small leak. I'd do it myself but I don't have the tools or the time."


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## Will

"How much do you think it would cost to repair these 3 faucets? I think it's fair to charge this ***.XX and I would be willing to pay that, otherwise if it cost more I could just do it myself." 

I'll never forget that one:laughing:


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## RealLivePlumber

"Those condoms couldn't have been flushed down my toilet, they must have backed up from the city main.....................":laughing::no:

...........Then the daughter and her boyfriend pulled in the driveway. I've never seen the veins in someones neck swell so much, so fast:laughing::laughing::yes:

[it was all I could do not to laugh on the spot]

You could also insert "tampons" in lieu of condoms.


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## plbgbiz

"You need to give me a discount because I gave all my money to the other plumber I hired yesterday."


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## Will

"Can you hold this check until the 17th"


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## Best Darn Sewer

"You should give me a discount automatically because I use y'all a lot." To which I always say, "I use the same grocery store every week and they still charge the same for a loaf of bread."


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## gardon

Step 36 in the instructions says your supposed to do this!


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## plbgbiz

For the new construction guys...

"Let's get this one done for a good price and I'll let you do all my work from now on."


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## Richard Hilliard

plbgbiz said:


> "My sewer never backed up before you put in the new bathtub."


 
I tell them my car use to work fine until they had theirs worked on.


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## sjaquay

me: "sir, this is whats clogging your septic system"

him: "are those condoms?"

me: "yes sir" to myself "oh f*** i probably shouldnt have said that"

him:loudly "YOU GOD DAMN WHORE, WHO THE HELL DID YOU HAVE IN MY HOUSE"

HER: "HONEY, IT MUST HAVE COME FROM THE NEIGHBORS DRAIN"

me: "no sir, yours is only yours" to myself "oh f***, learn to shut up"

packed up and left before he killed her and i had to be a witness...

then theres always " wow, that much? its only going to take you 15 min, ill pay you for 15 min of your hourly rate"

oh,ok, what about the travel time here and back and to get parts and the permit fees?


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## gardon

LOL, i actually pulled a bra out of a toilet in front of the wife once, and it wasn't hers. ( YEAH THAT WILL FLUSH!! SHE WILL NEVER KNOW!) until i show up to fix the toilet!


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## SewerRat

un1ted-we-plumb said:


> :laughing:
> 
> Depends on what he looks like :laughing:


tifify

That's the kind of people that would likely have the nerve to say something like that...


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## DesertOkie

"I used to be a plumber, my father/my uncle/my brother/my whole family are plumbers"

And my least favorite. "I'm surprised you could fit under there."


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## HSI

Explain to me how you did that so next time I can do it. 

That's a lot of money to rebuild a toilet. I can buy a new one at H*** D**** for less than that.


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## Michaelcookplum

"I have an easy job for you, can you come and fix it real quick? It will only take you a few minutes"


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## Adamche

I've come to clean the pool!
But my pool isn't dirty....zzzzip oh my


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## Mr-Green

gardon said:


> LOL, i actually pulled a bra out of a toilet in front of the wife once, and it wasn't hers. ( YEAH THAT WILL FLUSH!! SHE WILL NEVER KNOW!) until i show up to fix the toilet!


Laughing my ass off!


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## LEAD INGOT

PLUMB TIME said:


> It should be an easy fix, I would have done it myself but I didn't have time.


My answer to that is ," but it was great that you could spare some to watch me fix it".


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## sjaquay

" what do you mean service call? why do i have to pay you to just show up?"
good question, gas IS free after all...

" i have to pay a permit fee for plumbing?"

went and looked at a water heater this one time, told her how the gas line to it is illegal, the water lines should have dieelectric nipples, need to have an expansion tank put in, the drain tube on t&p is wrong and i think a couple other items, she then said " my brothers a master plumber and he put it in"
i told her to tell him he needs more training. she had me install a new water heater even though that one was less than 1 year old and from LOWES. 

" i know i have a lot of cats, but look, i used my shovel and cleared you a path to the water heater so you wont step in all the litter and cat crap" geez, that was mighty nice of you.......


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## theplumbinator

My personal favorite

"How do like this?" 

: homeowner points to some horror of an attempt at plumbing:

"I did it myself pretty good huh"? 
:seeking my approval of something im looking at, in disbelief is even working at all defying the laws of physics or worse:

Thanking God I didn't walk into that basement and yell out:

" who the hell put this mess together?"

Things you learn not to do or say, after having done it before.


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## rjbphd

" What color curtains should I get?"... lady, my PhD means Plumbing,heating,Drainage..not Paper hanging and Decorating.


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## PlumbBeer

"My husbands an engineer, and he says all we need to do is turn that trap around backwards to make this sink work" lol


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## tungsten plumb

PlumbBeer said:


> "My husbands an engineer, and he says all we need to do is turn that trap around backwards to make this sink work" lol


Damn engineers lol was his last name patel?


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## theplumbinator

Ohh here we go this thread is getting closed now. :laughing:


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## tungsten plumb

Why I speak the truth and the truth will set you free lol


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## theplumbinator

tungsten plumb said:


> Why I speak the truth and the truth will set you free lol


Cant say I dont agree with you but some will not.


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## tungsten plumb

Come to my city for a month and you all will agree


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## piper1

I was going though the new faucet box. and noticed you didn't use all the parts that came with it. why didn't you use everything that came in the box? are you shorting me. no mam. the extras are for diff. options. ho. are you sure. well why didn't you install this gray thingy. me. because that's a wrench that came with it!!

and this one just happened this week. mon. repair for no water pressure at kitchen sink. after fixing the problem. everybody happy. wed. calls the office for k. sink slow to drain. he tells me, I didn't have this problem before your guy got here. lol


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## suzie

Did you do something with the pipes when you installed my new faucet? Now my toilet is backing up. I said didn't you throw a Christmas party Saturday night? I bet one of your friends flushed something they shouldn't have down the toidy. Oh


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## suzie

PlumbBeer said:


> "My husbands an engineer, and he says all we need to do is turn that trap around backwards to make this sink work" lol


I just love it when the wife either says my husband is usually handy but or my husband is an engineer!


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## piper1

suzie said:


> I just love it when the wife either says my husband is usually handy but or my husband is an engineer!


 as you walk though the garage, that has olny harbor fright tools. still in the box:laughing:


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## Big cheez

PlumbBeer said:


> "My husbands an engineer, and he says all we need to do is turn that trap around backwards to make this sink work" lol


Engineers are the worst customers, they know everything about nothing


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## theplumbinator

piper1 said:


> as you walk though the garage, that has olny harbor fright tools. still in the box:laughing:


Even better yet when the homeowner is so excited that they own tools and they want you to use their junk seeking your approval of what they bought lol.... " here I have one of those!" "use mine" :rolling eyes: like I drive around in a mobil supply house/tool shed because I like driving vans!


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## piper1

theplumbinator said:


> Even better yet when the homeowner is so excited that they own tools and they want you to use their junk seeking your approval of what they bought lol.... " here I have one of those!" "use mine" :rolling eyes: like I drive around in a mobil supply house/tool shed because I like driving vans!


 lmao. ohhhh is that a Ryobi 4.5 drill ,nice . my wife has one..(or any crap tool your choice) something I always wanted to say to a customer. but never have. can olny say it on pz. and I suddenly feel better.:yes: see this pz is therapeutic.


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## piper1

Big cheez said:


> Engineers are the worst customers, they know everything about nothing


yea wish I was that smart..i always want to say. my what soft hands you have. you want gloves with that shovel? or why is the a/c duct work always in the way of our pipes? have you every been to a job site?


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## victoryplbaz

Had this 3x this week.... "My plumber said he could fix it but he don't have the tools to do it".... two were stoppage's, the other was setting a toilet.


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## Don The Plumber

But the guy at Home Depot told me this is the way ya gotta do it.


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## James420

Not a home owner but pretty much the same.

The homeowner called us out for a gurgling noise in her powder room sink, ( she is a contract customer) when I arrived a dude was heading out of her house and into a " Mr Fix It " truck, that's when I knew I was going to get killed. 

I look under her new sink and an S trap had been installed, even though the 1 1/2 stub out was there out of the wall. H.O was not home btw, and while the handi hack is standing at door of the bathroom I said very loudly " what kind of idiot, hack, moron, installs an S trap on a sink that is already vented correctly? And why is the toilet steaming? 

His response was and i'm not lying " these S traps are the new thing in plumbing, they are a combined drain and vent!!, and "toilets drain better with hot water, I should know this as a plumber".

To which I responded " since I have to call the H.O and tell her the problem with the sink and now the toilet, if she wants me to fix this right now Friday at 5:00, I swear to god I will take my screw driver shove it in your neck, throw you in your little truck, put it in drive where you will end up in the Atlantic Ocean a block away, now GTFO". He was close to saying something else and my helper said " I think he's serious, you better go". He left.

It all worked out, I'm going back on Monday, to fix the sink, the toilet, and repipe the water heater he installed, for $1300.00.


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## smartbrad

Wow I've never had the opportunity to yell at a handyman. It would of been funny to watch your rant!


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## SlowDrains

I always love when they say " I don't think that's the problem" then I fix it and they just sit there with a dumb founded look on their face. If you thought you knew it all and knew exactly how to fix it why did you call us


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## plumber101us

while augering out a sewer line that went to a septic tank I pulled out a bunch of condoms and the guy, who worked on the road said "I don't use condoms", then the light went on........ btw his wife was a knockout


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## Richard Hilliard

I get stuff like this

you made that look so easy
You did that quickly
can you get all this done in less than 2 hours
No one else has ever done this
You should be in sales
you're a busy person


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## JK949

theplumbinator said:


> Even better yet when the homeowner is so excited that they own tools and they want you to use their junk seeking your approval of what they bought lol.... " here I have one of those!" "use mine" :rolling eyes: like I drive around in a mobil supply house/tool shed because I like driving vans!


I remember needing to break a concrete walkway to replace a water service. The homeowner gleefully hands my co-worker his sledge and wedge who politely accepts it. Meanwhile I'm plugging out our 30lb Bosch and checking my watch.


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## suzie

I get this one nearly everyday. "How did you ever get into plumbing?"

And this is the truth: I became friends with Mr. Heine, ( Hi-Knee) :laughing:a fitter in Chicago who thought I would enjoy plumbing.


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## Plumbus

I love it when a customer has a problem that they and/or the previous two plumbers who have looked at it, can't figure out, and you walk in the door, take one look, or ask a couple questions and bingo you have the solution. Then, it's, "How'd you do that?" 
You can bs them by saying you're a toilet, sink, wh or what have you 'whisperer', or you can tell the truth by explaining you've run across the problem a few times in the past. Either way, it's entertaining. My favorite come back in these situations is, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice".


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## Chadillac80

This gets me every time... You install or repair a water heater and as soon as your done the homeowner goes straight to a faucet to test the "hot" water :blink:blink:


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## suzie

Chadillac80 said:


> This gets me every time... You install or repair a water heater and as soon as your done the homeowner goes straight to a faucet to test the "hot" water :blink:blink:


:laughing:Funny...ask them if they would like a cold water heater too (oxy moron) to chill the cold water next time.


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## pilot light

PLUMB TIME said:


> It should be an easy fix, I would have done it myself but I didn't have time.


 That's when I pack up my tools and go home and tell them to enjoy there own stench!:thumbsup:


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## Richard Hilliard

pilot light said:


> That's when I pack up my tools and go home and tell them to enjoy there own stench!:thumbsup:


 

Next time say

That is exactly why I should take care of this for you. This way you make sure it gets done.


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## piper1

this happened today... h/o said. that's not the way, the painter did the other bathroom. maybe we should look at that. h/o. no it's fine, you plumber's charge too much????


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## shakeyglenn68

The ones I hated as an App. was having to fill out ticket for the Journeyman, then having to go back to the door and have to listen to the complaints on cost. If it wasn't screaming up a hell fit, it was (females/wives) can we make a trade?? I had two drop robes in front of me. I'd look at floor and call the boss (owner of company) and hand cell to naked female. 

Theres only two ways it can go if you take that trade and BOTH are bad!!! (not from experiance just self respect in myself!!)

The fun ones are "Why are you shaking so bad?"
Me: "Because your watching me."
They leave me alone.
Most the time I get "If you didnt do drugs you wouldn't shake like that!" 
I have the self control now not just pack up and leave, now I just reply "Oh thats what is causing it .. Ok .. I'll tell my doc he needs to change it from PROZAC to something else!"


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## Bigcim

My Brother was told "You have a hairier then normal ass crack"


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## victoryplbaz

Another one... My brothers nephew is a plumber and he wants to talk you through the repair.. My response is.. That's ok my dads, brother, nephew, dads, son is a plumber and he taught me all I need to know. Stops them in their tracks as they try to figure it out. Plus they leave me alone.


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## CaberTosser

Bigcim said:


> My Brother was told "You have a hairier then normal ass crack"


 He should get longer tailed shirts. Oh, and thank him for perpetuating that particular nickname we're saddled with


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## fixitright

*Suspenders*

I started wearing suspenders and no more problems.
It actually feels good for the back.


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## Plumbersteve

I compiled a list for myself for personal reasons. There are some repeats here, but here are all the ones that I have heard on multiple occasions except for the condom thing which I'd venture to say has never happened to anyone. 


-Are you gonna tape that
-I was gonna do it
-My dads a plumber
-I'm an engineer, here's what I'd do
-when I flush it it overflows, they flush it to show you
-how much If I buy the parts
-can I buy the parts from you
-can you walk me through it
-do you work for cash
-can you wear these booties?
-can I get you some coffee, 85 degs in bathroom
-here lemme give you some light
-mind if I watch
-we don't put grease down the drain
-my wife doesn't flush tampons
-I was thinking about a tankless water heater
-do you install water heaters
-heres what my last plumber said
-what do you think of lowes toilets
-I'll leave you alone...2 mins later they're back
-they guy at home depot said...
-can you look at one more thing
-I should have been a plumber.

-we don't use condoms


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## rjbphd

fixitright said:


> I started wearing suspenders and no more problems.
> It actually feels good for the back.


Who let this home inspector in here??


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## SewerRat

Plumbersteve said:


> ...except for the condom thing which I'd venture to say has never happened to anyone.


Agreed. Such an unusual circumstance would seem pretty unlikely to begin with, but to think that it happens to all the guys who claim to have seen it is... well... unbelievable.

And everyone tells it and then laughs like they are being original. Like nobody's ever heard it before.


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## Retroloco-LJ

UN1TED-WE-PLUMB said:


> "you know many adult movies start out this way"


Almost as good as the, "So you're here to clean my pipe?" 

:laughing:

___________________
Don't kill the dream, execute it.
http://fhfurr.com


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## Keefer w

Retroloco-LJ said:


> Almost as good as the, "So you're here to clean my pipe?"
> 
> :laughing:
> 
> ___________________
> Don't kill the dream, execute it.
> http://fhfurr.com


How you like working for the nexstar king?


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## Olemissplumber

Things the customer says while watching you work.

"Your the best plumber I've ever had in my house or have ever had the pleasure to watch"

"I love watching a guy that knows what he is doing"

"I wish I could make it look that good"

"You make that look easy but I bet it's not"

"You have been doing this a long time,I can tell you know what your doing"

"You work fast,you've done this before I can tell.

"Im glad I found you"

Its nice to feel comfortable with the guy working in your house"

"Glad your not a fat creep with his butt crack hanging out"


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## HSI

^^^^^^^^^

Legend in his own mind. Lol


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## suzie

HO today...can I help? I could do this this myself. Me: I said you are obviously handy with all the tools you've offered me. Do you mind if I watch, I like learning. I should probably let you work I will go away. Back again two minutes later. Got that all sweat up already. You must be a professional. I said don't let the cat out of the bag. I would've have helped more but I'm busy gotta go to work. Me: thanks *** for all your help have a great rest of your day and I appreciate your business.


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## Olemissplumber

HSI said:


> ^^^^^^^^^
> 
> Legend in his own mind. Lol


That's what I think when I read posts bashing handyman jobs and "that doesn't meet plumbing code" posts. For plumbers we sure have a superiority complex. Lol


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## suzie

Olemissplumber said:


> That's what I think when I read posts bashing handyman jobs and "that doesn't meet plumbing code" posts. For plumbers we sure have a superiority complex. Lol


Olemiss, it's called professionalism! We have all spent numerous hours as apprentices learning and figuring out how to perform each project for our customers the best way to rid them of their worries. And the accumulated years of knowledge.


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## budders

If we can put a man on the moon you can figure out a way to make that work. Because im not replaceing it


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## budders

RealLivePlumber said:


> "Those condoms couldn't have been flushed down my toilet, they must have backed up from the city main.....................":laughing::no:
> 
> ...........Then the daughter and her boyfriend pulled in the driveway. I've never seen the veins in someones neck swell so much, so fast:laughing::laughing::yes:
> 
> [it was all I could do not to laugh on the spot]
> 
> You could also insert "tampons" in lieu of condoms.


O man that one had me crying. Wish i had been there


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## Best Darn Sewer

HSI said:


> ^^^^^^^^^
> 
> Legend in his own mind. Lol


No kidding.


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## plumberkc

Just as finishing up a project, have agreed on a price and ready to collect the check, customer asks " While your here can you take a look at..."


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## MTDUNN

plumberkc said:


> Just as finishing up a project, have agreed on a price and ready to collect the check, customer asks " While your here can you take a look at..."


Get this all the time. I got a call last week from a customer reminding me of our appointment to replace a ball cock and flapper. After fixing the toilet, "Oh by the way, this should be easy, can you look at my leaky shower valve?" It was a mixit. Argh!!


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## plbgbiz

MTDUNN said:


> Get this all the time. I got a call last week from a customer reminding me of our appointment to replace a ball cock and flapper. After fixing the toilet, "Oh by the way, this should be easy, can you look at my leaky shower valve?" It was a mixit. Argh!!


Can you look at my shower valve while you're here?

Sure ma'am, I just need to grab my Mixit Adjustment Tool (sledge hammer) from the van :laughing:


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## budders

plbgbiz said:


> Can you look at my shower valve while you're here?
> 
> Sure ma'am, I just need to grab my Mixit Adjustment Tool (sledge hammer) from the van :laughing:


Lol thats funny


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## Tommy plumber

Best Darn Sewer said:


> "You should give me a discount automatically because I use y'all a lot." To which I always say, *"I use the same grocery store every week and they still charge the same for a loaf of* *bread."*


 






Great line..! I think I'll use that one......:thumbsup:


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## Goldie Plumber

I had a cleaning lady at a store say "I bet you hate when people flush maxi pads" (I got it with the hand auger btw) I said "Nope that's blood money"


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## rjbphd

Goldie Plumber said:


> I had a cleaning lady at a store say "I bet you hate when people flush maxi pads" (I got it with the hand auger btw) I said "Nope that's blood money"


 Ya need to post a proper full intro as per site request.


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## James420

Goldie Plumber said:


> I had a cleaning lady at a store say "I bet you hate when people flush maxi pads" (I got it with the hand auger btw) I said "Nope that's blood money"


A real plumber tastes the maxi pad.


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## AlbacoreShuffle

James420 said:


> A real plumber tastes the maxi pad.


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## TX MECH PLUMBER

Yummy. Like in that movie kids where he dips one in red coolaid and sucks it out of the tampon


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## theplumbinator

TX MECH PLUMBER said:


> Yummy. Like in that movie kids where he dips one in red coolaid and sucks it out of the tampon


That's one of my favorite movies.


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## Dpeckplb

My favorite is "I tried to fix it myself but didn't know how." Thats after they make the problem worse. I personally hate the old blocked Kitchen sink with drain-o.
HO: We tried to plunge the sink.
ME: It likely has a build up of grease.
HO: We don't dump grease down it.
Me: ok
(Tries snake with out success)
Me: I have to replace the pipe. Did you put drain-o in it?
HO: No we did not.
Me: Your positive?
HO: Yep...
(Cuts Pipe smells drain-o)
Me: I am going to ask again is there drain-o in here?
HO; My wife/husband must have poured dome down.


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## suzie

My kitchen sink leaks now it didn't leak until you were over to work on my plumbing last week. Yes ma'am but I put in a new toilet I wasn't in your kitchen.


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## Unclog1776

My sewer is still clogged because the lav sink on the second floor is still slow

^^^a week after a terrible sewer back up....

Sent from my iPhone using PlumbingZone


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## LIQUID

Don't mind me" she says as I am trying to install a kitchen sink in the same kitchen I have JUST finished putting in the gas range. she pulls a turkey out and begins to cook it and is basically doing dinner prep work standing over me while I am trying to finish. 

and yes ^^ the draino thing..


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## Dpeckplb

That drain-o "s**t" should be illegal. I also had a customer tell me the other day after installing a new lav. Drain, that P-Traps are not allowed. They wanted me to use an S-Trap because they saw some handy man on YouTube use them. They then pointed out that I had hot and cold reversed, that cold should be on the left of the spout and hot on the right. They got that from YouTube as well...Got to love those HO experts learning from computers.


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## O.C. plumberman

"I wonder what kind of enema that would give me" (while jetting out a kitchen line for a former flight attendant guy in El Toro, Ca) :laughing:

"That's a Moen lifetime warranty faucet we had installed in 2007 it's under warranty from your company" (while looking at a single handle Moen lav in 2013 that has been taken apart and put back together several times and missing a piece or 2) :thumbsup:


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## Plumbersteve

Dpeckplb said:


> My favorite is "I tried to fix it myself but didn't know how." Thats after they make the problem worse. I personally hate the old blocked Kitchen sink with drain-o.
> HO: We tried to plunge the sink.
> ME: It likely has a build up of grease.
> HO: We don't dump grease down it.
> Me: ok
> (Tries snake with out success)
> Me: I have to replace the pipe. Did you put drain-o in it?
> HO: No we did not.
> Me: Your positive?
> HO: Yep...
> (Cuts Pipe smells drain-o)
> Me: I am going to ask again is there drain-o in here?
> HO; My wife/husband must have poured dome down.


LOL Love your response of OK. Had this convo many times. Funny cause its true.


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## jnohs

plbgbiz said:


> "You need to give me a discount because I gave all my money to the other plumber I hired yesterday."


i love this... 
This one gets me going...


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## jnohs

Its like as jig saw puzzle!! Hahaha
it looks like that old screensaver....
I cleared a path.... Usually a horder crap every where especially where i need to work
I cleaned up.... Smells like **** in the house
Please dont mind the mess... Perfectly clean in the house
What if i doesn't work?.... Then they realise the answer ( it doesn't wrk and i dont get paid)
What happens if it malfunctions does it explode? My answer to this was yes it turns into a bomb.... then I asked him if he thought that as the real answer and he thought about it and stopped asking rideclouse questions.

It's like they are talking in opposites...


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## Keefer w

Oh no.imposter? Copy cat? The infamous original?


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## TerryO

HO: But that only took you 15 minutes!

ME: No, actually it took 40 years and 15 minutes.


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## Best Darn Sewer

TerryO said:


> HO: But that only took you 15 minutes!
> 
> ME: No, actually it took 40 years and 15 minutes.


Haha. I like that. I will have to remember that one.


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## plbgbiz

TerryO said:


> HO: But that only took you 15 minutes! ME: No, actually it took 40 years and 15 minutes.


This post has the MizBiz seal of approval. :thumbup:


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